I don’t believe in starting over anymore. I don’t promise myself that I’ll start working out on Mondays. I don’t believe that when my birthday rolls around, I’ll gain insight or wisdom overnight. And I don’t believe that as 2016 turns into 2017, I will magically become some person who can park both cars in the garage.
Reaching your goals doesn’t happen like that. It has nothing to do with a date or a time.
When the New Year rang in for 2016, I chose the word “be” to guide me through the year. I’ve chosen a word instead of New Year’s resolutions for the last seven or eight years. Instead of feeling like a failure by the time February rolls around, these words have helped me put life into perspective and helped to guide me through some difficult times.
But until 2016, each word had been my hope to start over. My first word was together; I was going to put all my broken piece back together so I could become whole. And while I did come out of that year a more together person, I still had work to do. Some time later I chose healthy because I wanted what every woman should want-to lose weight and get everything organized. Instead, I got to figure out how to be mentally and emotionally healthy when the world around you is spinning out of control.
That’s how resolutions and goals work: if you look at your life from January 2016 to December 2016, were there things that unexpectedly came up that through you off the course you planned to be on? Guess what? That will also happen next week, next month and a year from now.
Recognizing this pattern, I decided to give myself some grace in 2016. I didn’t know what would happen, but I planned on allowing myself to be wherever I was in any given moment. Many people see me as someone who is even, but inside my head is very loud and my emotions, no matter what I’m feeling, are very deep and strong. People have always told me that I think about things too much, so I’ve stopped many of my thoughts from coming out of my mouth. And people have also told me that I just have to accept things the way they are, so I’ve folded up my feelings to appear very even most of the time.
But as I became okay with my big thoughts and my profound emotions, I was able to just let myself be wherever I was.
The thing that came to my attention about half-way through the year, though, is that “be” can also be used in the present tense. So, for example, if I am restless, I could say, “I want to be content.” In this, I am pushing away the warning signs to dream of something more acceptable.
If I were, instead, to say, “I am restless,” then I could deal with the source of my restlessness to, with work, become content.
So, I got I am tattooed on my wrist as a reminder of all the things I am, both in transition and innately. I am witty. I am whimsical. I am a mother. I am a problem-solver. I am kind. I am patient. I am so much more than I, or the world, makes me out to be. Discovering this and owning it has transformed every fiber of my being.
I am alive, maybe really alive, for the first time in my entire life.
So, coming into 2017, what word do I choose? Do I pare down everything into it’s simplicity? Do I rush out and take the world by the helm? Do I finally choose the word “live” to go after everything I’ve always wanted?
I’ve mulled over all of these concepts for a few months now. While none of them spoke to me, I found some truth in each of them. And then I asked myself? How do I really want to live out the rest of my life? When I wake up in the morning, I feel like a rocket ship takes off inside me and it doesn’t slow down until the moment I fall asleep. When I look at my kids, I ache because I know they are not getting the attention they need from me, but I’m giving them everything I have. When I look at my business I ask myself if I am on the right track or if I’m just working to make money. And when I think about my relationships, I know that so many of them have dwindled down to a Christmas Day text because I’ve been too busy to do the one thing I like to do most: spend time with people.
There are so many wonderful, beautiful things in my life, but there are also so many things that are holding me back from enjoying life.
And there is my answer to what I should choose this year. If I chose the word “live” I feel like I would just be running the rat race, trying to stay up with what everyone else thinks I should do. But when I think about the word life, I can breathe with certainty.
I know that my word will morph into something different over the next 12 months, but here’s what I know about life right now. I know that I grew up in an environment where the only thing I knew about myself and other human beings is that we are all sinners, and that we don’t deserve God’s love. I grew up knowing that this place, Earth, and this life is not “where we are supposed to be”; yet here we are. I grew up seeing all the pain and suffering in the world, but knowing that there are so many beautiful, wondrous things right under our noses and around the corner-in both the good and the bad-whether we choose to see them or not.
I’m hoping that with a word like life I will be able to once again soak up all of it’s goodness. I’m not looking to change anything again in 2017. I’m not expecting “life” to clean up my garage mess or to help me lose 60 lbs. I’m just going to dive into the life God has given me with with an open heart and mind. And we will see what happens.
