My garage, my entire life actually, is a huge mess right now. And I’m never sure how it happens, but there always come a time when I take inventory of what’s around me and I know that things are screwed up.
My garage is full of many, many things. Things I want to sell, things I should not have bought, things I want to move, things that have been in my life for over 30 years, things I just didn’t want to carry in the doorway, things I need and many things I don’t even remember needing-and I’m not sure how they got there.
I do know this, though: my garage was not made to hold all these things. My garage was made to hold the two cars sitting in my driveway.
And all of a sudden, within a blink of an eye, I don’t know where to start digging. I see this colossally huge mess and I don’t know how to get out of it. The same is true for the rest of my house, my finances, my weight, my business, some of my relationships and even my emotional and mental well-being. Within the walls of my being, I am housing anger, frustration, guilt, jealousy, misunderstanding and a great sadness.
I was not built to carry those things. Over seven years ago, I worked so hard to rid myself of those emotions, and I realized that I was not built with that hurt inside of me. It just accumulated over time. Digging out of that took many, many years.
I know that I am back that because I feel like I need to purge all of my nasty emotions all of the time. I count the things that I should not have bought, the things I want to move, the things that have been in my life for 30 years, the things I just didn’t want to carry in the doorway, the things I don’t even remember needing. I’m not sure how they got there, but now I have to dig my way out to make room for what is really supposed to be in my heart and mind.
Cleaning out a garage that is this messy is no easy task. That in itself is overwhelming. But then when you look down the list of all the other things you’re going to need to fix, too, it’s easier to just rent a dumpster, get rid of everything and start all over. On so many levels I wish I could do that.
But that’s the easy, unrealistic way out. That’s the unrealistic way out. As much as I wish I could just disappear and start all over, it’s not an option. Instead, I have to put my big girl pants on and take the small steps forward to make things right again.
Let yourself feel what you feel
We live in a society where emotions are viewed as a weakness. We are taught that our emotions should be a private matter, so put on a happy face for all the world to see because that is strength.
I used to not let myself feel because I was a stuffer. I would just take any emotion I had and stuff it inside, letting it compound until I exploded. That practice did not get me anywhere except angry and alone.
Now, I have a hard time letting myself feel things because I think if I get angry or mad or sad then I will burn a bridge. I’ve probably burned a lot of bridges lately, but I’ve needed to feel all the things that I am feeling because I need to process them in order to move forward. And whatever it is, I’m entitled to feel it as long as I don’t let that emotion control me for too long.
Recently, a friend told me that I could feel however I did for a week, and then I needed to move forward some. It didn’t quite take a week to pull myself together, but there are some days that are better than others. Some afternoons that are better than mornings. And that’s okay because I can see that I am taking the little steps I need to to regain my composure.
Go back to who you are
I think this step is the hardest because so many of us don’t even know who we are; we just know what we do in relation to others.
But it’s important to know who you are because when your world is rocked or when your garage is stuffed, you have to find a little glimmer inside you to give you something to hold onto. You have to go back to your foundation.
When my garage is stuffed with anger, sadness, guilt and jealousy, and I know those things are not supposed to be inside me, I have to go back to the fact that I am built with grace, forgiveness and patience. If I can focus on grace instead of anger then I can extend what has been given to me.
Right now, I think grace is down the line for me. I can see it there, and I can practice it in spots, but I do not feel completely taken over by grace. Right now, I just know that I was meant to create and build beautiful things. And when I create and build beautiful things, I bring out goodness in other people. That is my small step forward right now.
Find comfort
Not only is it hard for our society to allow ourselves to feel things, it’s even more shameful when we reach out to another to say I need help. It is so hard for me to say I need help. And that’s not just a shame based thing, it’s because I don’t trust people to follow through or be there in the way that I need them to.
In my darkest moments, sometimes comfort is just listening to music, reading a book or binge watching TV. I’ve been known to pound through a few seasons on Netflix recently. I used to love stories because they connect us; they make us feel like we’re not alone in this world. But more recently, I’ve realized that people really love stories because they give us hope for our own lives. If the fictional (even non fiction is fiction) characters can work things out, then I can too.
The thing that has surprised me recently, though, is that people who love me have rallied around me. They’ve called me, listened to me cry like a baby, helped me rationalize, brought me popsicles, sent me a text message or just hugged me like I needed to be hugged. Old Dani would have pushed that away, but with each moment these women love me, they give me strength to be grateful again.
Clean out your garage
Let’s be honest. The feel good stuff will not clean up the mess in the garage. In fact, you’ve probably added to the mess over the last few weeks because you were not strong enough to deal with it.
But the truth is, you have to deal with it. And as much as I hate to say this, you need to make a list. But do not make a list of everything you need to do. Make a list of what you need to do today.
I recently repainted the inside of my house. The walls were all different colors, and it was too loud for me. So I painted it all one neutral gray. Over the last week, I’ve noticed some spots I missed and a wall I need to finish.
But there are also plants to be planted in my front yard, and the chairs needed to be refinished and the laundry needed to be done. So, I made a list. Oh yeah, I had to go to the Sangamon River Music Festival to take pictures and run a marketing event for a local business, too.
Saturday morning I realized my list was too long. I got the pictures, the event and the chairs stripped and the other things have been left undone. I know I will get to them, but when our messes are this big, you need to just fix one thing at a time. Just end the day knowing that you did one thing. And then you’ll gain strength to do two things another day.
No matter what, your life is moving forward. It will not stop.
Come up with a new routine
As much as I hate to admit it, I am a creature of routine. I really love being flitty floaty Dani who is ready to do something spontaneous at any moment, but I rely on knowing what’s going to happen next as much as anyone else does.
Way back in the day, I listened to a preacher talk about how he worked to grow his relationship with God. Because it was so foreign to him to think about God all the time, he came up with a system where he set an alarm for every hour. The alarm reminded him to think about God.
When that habit formed, then he worked his way to thinking about Him every half hour, then every fifteen minutes. He wanted to get to the point where he thought about God all of the time.
My point is that if we don’t practice something different day in and day out, then we will never change our ways. I am stuck in an old routine right now. One that I’ve been stuck in all my life, I think. And so I need to take what I know now to come up with a new routine. One that fits the new Dani a little better.
Be grateful
When you’re in a whirlwind of a messy garage, it’s hard to see the good hidden beneath your disgust. When you look at the pool table that was supposed to bring joy and the floor mats that were supposed to help you lose weight and the 75 light switches that you don’t even remember buying, it’s hard to see the good.
But yesterday when I was stripping the chairs, I looked at the old fish basket my dad and I used to use when I was a little girl. And I saw the water guns the kids and I used to surprise attack my husband and person. We have a washer and dryer to clean our clothes. And chairs to sit on.
There’s so much to be thankful for here in Mahomet. By the care of amazing teachers, I know my kids are getting a wonderful education. I look at the people who are my friends here and am just wowed by how genuinely amazing each of them are. I mean just wow. We have the most beautiful farmland I’ve ever seen, and we live in a town with trees and a calm river, too. No matter where you are in this world, there is so much to be grateful for. It may not be what you want, but I can guarantee you that it’s what you need.
Have faith
When your garage (or life) is a mess, it’s easy to say, “Screw it!” I quit. Please don’t make me tell you how many times I’ve said that every day for the last month and a half.
I don’t know where to find faith right now. But I know that I have some somewhere because I get up out of my bed each day. And sometimes I don’t know what that faith looks like or where it comes from, but it’s there. And if I hold onto it, I know that the next day my faith cup gets bigger. And it will keep growing.
I know that there are great plans for me in this world. I know that there is so much goodness in store for me. I can’t see it right now. All I can see is the mess, but I know it’s out there somewhere. I know that holding onto that little bit of faith I give me the hope I need to get there.
