Raising you, my boy

Buddy,

When I first held you in my arms ten years ago today, I did not know how to be a mom to a boy.

I knew to give you a ball, to teach you how to hit and I thought my duty was to teach you how to be a gentleman. I’d dress you in cute jeans and little hats. I’d teach you that you should always open the door for women and I’d make sure that you never went on a date without paying for dinner.

That’s the mark of a man, right? How high can he jump? How fast can he run? Can he score the clutch points? And more importantly, can he provide for his wife and family when he gets older?

My dear boy. This is how men (and women) end up unhappy. This lie that we shove down each other’s throat, the box that we put each other in, the expectations we have for someone based on their sex.

You like to play ball. And I can tell that you’re sweet on the girls. But I hope there is so much more in your life. I hope a ball, a job and a girl are not it. Because that’s the emptiest place to be.

So, here I am, knowing how to be a mom to a boy. And I have a few things I want you to know as you live your life.

You have a voice. You’re white. And your a boy. Historically, a voice hasn’t been hard to come by. But, my dear boy, you are growing up in a world where the white boys still run the show, but their views are also diminished just because they are white boys.

The other problem is that we teach our boys to be rough and tough. We tell them that they shouldn’t have feelings and thoughts because they are to be the “strong” ones.

I’ve watched you over the last 10 years. I know you have thoughts, that you’re curious, that you have more feelings than you’ll ever let on. I see how excited you get when I walk through the door and I see the tears well up in your eyes when someone gets hurt.

The problem comes when men and women have a voice but they don’t use it responsibly. It will take a long time for you to learn when to speak and how to use your voice to not say anything at all. But no matter what, know that your words and heart matter to me. I will always be here to listen. And I hope that you find other people who will value your voice, too.

Share your life with someone. No. I’m not talking about marriage. Marriage can be one way to share you life with someone, but it is not the only way. We think some vows and a ring means that we are sharing our lives with someone, but that just gives you the right to share a house, money and a bed with someone without being judged.

When you share your life with someone you are able to be who you are with another person. And you are able to accept someone else for exactly who they are. You meld your personalities together to share goals, laughs and a vision for the future. Maybe you have roles, but you work together.

Sharing your life with someone means you are equals. You are not now or will you ever be more important or better than anyone else.

The thing is that boys are trained to believe that men can carry the world on their shoulders. But no matter how strong your muscles get, you are not meant to carry the heavy loads all on your own.

You can spend you life sharing yourself with one person. You can also spend your life sharing yourself with a lot of people. That’s up to you. But the thing is, we are not meant to be alone. So share life.

See people. I know you’re just coming into the age where you realize you are not the only person in the world. And soon you will see that there are people all around you. You’ll begin to notice girls more. And you’ll want to hang out with your buddies more.

But please don’t walk through your life with blinders on, only looking at who is right in front of you or what you can get from them.

You’ve always been a people person. From the moment you were born, you hated being alone. The thing is that even if you’re with people, you can still be alone. It is only when you actually let people be for everything they are and are not, that you’re able to see them.

See your buddies. See your girl. But see the kid sitting alone at lunch, see your teachers, see your sisters, see the street dancers and see the homeless people.

When you only see yourself, what you want or what you need, you end up missing out on life.

You are brilliant. There are many days that I hate how reliant you are on computers. You’re growing up in a day and age where we believe all of our connections, all of our knowledge, all of our power can be found on a screen.

A computer or a screen is only a tool that you can use. You, my boy, have this amazing thing called a brain. A brain by itself doesn’t do much, that’s why God gave you eyes, ears, lips, arms, legs, hands and feet. With all of these tools you can build computers. Or you can draw dragons. Or you can stitch up a wound. Or you can drive a car.

You are so smart. You know math like there is a calculator in your head. But more importantly, you are curious as to how things in this world work. And that’s what makes you brilliant, buddy.

You can always be a kid. I didn’t realize how much energy boys have. From the very beginning you were on the go, wanting to be independent. You didn’t want to drink from a bottle, you didn’t want training wheels on your bicycle and you didn’t want to take a nap because your sisters were awake.

And as you go into being a teenager, you’re going to be expected to be more responsible so that you can become the man this world needs you to be.

I loved my dad because he played with me. My dad was the biggest kid I knew until I met Mark Cabutti, and then he brought being a kid-at-heart to a new level. Mr. Cabutti still has a heart that is tender; one that cares for the people around him. He runs a school and manages people, so he’s an adult, but he doesn’t forget that it’s okay to pretend there is a bird in the speaker or that it’s ok to run in the water if they day is too hot.

There is work and there is your role in society, but there is also life. Despite what the world tells you, you are meant to enjoy life.

I know that there is so much more to life than these five points. There so much more that I want to teach you.

I didn’t know how to be a mom to a boy, but I got a boy who just wanted to be loved. I can do that. If I’m being honest, I don’t know how to be a mom to a man. And I don’t know how to be a man, either. But I know how to love you.

But as you begin going down this road to becoming an adult, I hope I can give you a different way to see your life and your role in this world. I hope you know that I already see the man you are becoming come to life. Buddy, I couldn’t be prouder.