My oldest daughter, 14, will try out for her first athletic team this week. Her nerves are flying. My nerves are flying.
She has eyed the possibility becoming good enough to be in the mix during high school since she was in third grade. She has spent week after week practicing her fundamentals, and over the last two years I have seen a great amount of growth within her skill set.
But within all of us there is that little voice waiting to defeat any glimpse of hope, and she has battled the “what ifs” for the last few weeks. What if she’s not good enough? She seems to feel comfortable performing in front of her peers, but what if she has an anxiety attack in front of the judges? What if? What if? What if? She doubts she’ll make it. I’m cautiously optimistic.
Within all of this anticipation, doubt and energy that comes before a big event, I’ve forced her to really think about the consequences of every “what if” that could be bouncing in her little mind. I’ve found the best way to prepare for anything is to talk it through. It is ok to be hopeful and realistic all at the same time.
Otherwise all of those nervous emotions really do produce something uncontrollable.
I asked her, “What will happen if you do not make the team?” She said, “Well, I really want to. I’ve been working for this for a long time.”
I sighed, “I know.” In this moment, as her mom, I really want to give her empathy and a lot of very encouraging words, but instead, I take a different route.
I told her that even if she does not make the team, that’s ok because her worth is not wrapped up in an activity. She will still be my oldest daughter, a hard working smart young lady who is more creative and driven than anyone I know. Yes, she has her lazy moments, but something fantastic is always coming out of this one.
I told her that if she does not make this team, she can still participate in this sport through lessons, and even try out for other teams in other venues. Her current coach was never on a team like this in high school. And she’s still participating well into her twenties.
So many times we think that if we are not on a team, if we are not on THAT team, then we can’t play anymore or that our worth is less than someone else’s. It’s nice to have teams and compete. I think it’s an important part of the process. But it is not the entire process of playing and participating.
Of course, in not making this team, she will have more time to do other things she likes to do. More than anything, she enjoys baking and creating art. She will also be on the color guard team as a freshmen, and that takes so much time. I told her that if she does not make the team, she’ll also have time to take baking lessons, join the art club, help with drama sets or just take some time to be a kid.
She and I talked about how she’ll be disappointed for a while if she doesn’t make it. How it will sting and hurt, but because she’s named after Michael Jordan (who did not make the freshmen basketball team), and has the spirit of a champion, she can always just work even harder at her sport over the next year, and come back to try out as a sophomore, if it is something she really wants.
I even asked her why she wanted to do flags and this sport if her passions are baking and art. She said because this is the only time in her life where she will get to be a part of these teams. And because she wants to own a bakery, be an interior designer and work for Pixar, she’s right.
So. She’s trying out. I told her that there were two important lessons I learned as a high school athlete that she can take with her this week. I don’t know that I was necessarily the best athlete as a child, but I certainly succeeded often. I think it was because I played with boys a lot, and I had to think about the game(s) differently. Whatever the measure, I was a pretty good player, and you could see that by the size of my head when I walked into a room.
In between my freshmen and sophomore year, I decided that my greatness didn’t warrant the type of work I’d put in during prior years, and I slacked off a lot: hanging out with my friends, going to the zoo instead of practice, riding in my friends T-bird. I was too cool for school. And while I was out there with a bad attitude being cool, other girls were keeping a positive attitude and working their tails off for themselves and their team. Coming into my sophomore year, I felt that change, and got scared.
Honestly, I never caught back up with those girls. They continued to have a good attitude and work ethic, while I didn’t always have a good attitude or work ethic. So, I told her that above everything else, those two characteristics are the most important things. Have a good attitude at all moments. And just work harder than everyone else. Coaches see and appreciate that kind of stuff. I know. I was a coach, too.
I think it’s going to be so fantastic if she makes this team. Because she wants to do a lot of different things when she is an adult (a lot of different really hard things), I asked her what she thinks she can learn from being in school, being on the color guard AND being on an athletic team.
She told me that it will help her think a lot about what dedication looks like, that she’ll have to manage her time wisely and that she will have to make some sacrifices that other kids might not have to make. Like I said, she knocks my socks off most of the time.
I really believe it’s important for kids to think about what they are doing now, and how that activity is going to help them in the future. In fact, I think it’s important for adults to do this, too.
I think it’s great when we wrap ourselves up in activities just because we enjoy them or because someone we love enjoys them. But, helping our children think about how what they are doing now truly affects who they might be in the future will just continue to help them build that foundation for growth.
So we’ll see. The next 30 hours of our life will be filled with angst and hope. We’ll probably need to eat some chocolate cake. In the end, this is just one moment of many moments for her. And what she does next, how she handles her excitement and disappointment, will also shape who she will be in the future. I have confidence that she will make the right choices.
