Although I am an extremely reflective person, I’ve never looked at my life quite like I have over the last seven days.
With my oldest daughter going into high school, I have begun to take count of the time I have left in this house with these kids. When they were babies, our days were endless. I thought about the days when they would be in school and I could go to the bathroom by myself. And now, when I look at them in all their long-legged wonder, I see how these days of being together in our house will one day come to an end.
And I didn’t really know what that looked like until they left last week for their annual summer trip to St. Louis with their grandparents. With my husband back in an office and my person* busy with school, the house was quiet in a way that it has not ever been. For the very first time in my life, it was just me, trying to work, but my thoughts took over everything.
Prior to them leaving, I thought I would take a trip by myself. I thought I can just take a few days and go away for a bit. I emailed an old friend from high school and asked her if I could stay for a couple days to clear my head. And although she said she’d love to have me, I backed out pretty quickly.
Then I thought about just taking off, just driving until I ended up somewhere. I picture myself as a very adventurous person, someone who will just take life by its horns and drive, but leaving was harder than staying.
So, I stayed in the silence, feeling frozen and disoriented the whole time. And then I really stopped to look at what my life is and what it will one day become.
If you’re anything like me, you’re always looking for something more. Maybe even what’s next. I’m constantly trying to better myself, those around me, looking for new opportunities to grow and explore, pushing boundaries and doing the unexpected. About two years ago, I resolved to live a full life no matter what others thought or said.
In my head I can go off by myself and fly to wherever the wind takes me. I have dreams of building things that will allow me to travel all over the states to work with people who just want to live their story. In my head, I am a strong, independent woman who stands on her own two feet, but is just waiting for her turn to do something special with her life.
And then on Thursday, that woman who stands so big, fell very, very hard. The wind was knocked out of me and I became very, very scared of everything that will happen over the next year, the next four years, the next ten years and into the rest of my life. I am fairly good at going with the flow, but we all spend a lot of time making plans to ensure our lives will look okay in the future.
You see, my person is leaving. She’s accepted a teaching job in Colorado. And while I’m very happy for her, even proud of her for making this decision, I also spent time being mad and grieving this decision because this means everything changes.
I’ve spent the last four years of my life making a lot of plans with her that aren’t going to happen now. The spaces we’ve created, the trips we’ve planned, the day-to-day life I know will drastically change in the next two weeks. And I’m scared.
I know many people only feel this way about their kids and their spouses. And many women say their friends are like their sister, but she truly is my sister. We literally share our day-to-day lives in a way that is authentic and real.
And I didn’t realize the magnitude of that until yesterday. My kids arrived home on Saturday night. She finished packing Saturday afternoon. On Sunday, I wanted to do something fun with everyone. I wanted to go hiking or horseback riding or scoot off to the big city. My person and I spend so much time taking little trips, going to concerts or doing something unexpected like going sledding in the middle of the night.
In my head I thought, if I can just remind her how much fun it is here, then she’ll remember that she doesn’t really want to leave. And if I can make things fun enough for my kids, then when they get older they won’t want to leave either.
As we sat on my couch, thinking about how we need to go to Custard Cup one last time, it dawned on me that Champaign/Urbana/Central Illinois is not the most exciting place to live. In fact, it can be downright boring. I’ve tried to make this area come to life through our Friday trips this summer, but it’s really a stretch-and the only reason I enjoy those trips is because I’m with people I love.
It finally dawned on me that I don’t really love being in Mahomet. I love the schools, that we have some nice parks and that crime is low. But overall, it’s just pretty much like everywhere else in the world.
What makes my life truly special, what makes me light up in the morning is my people. I get excited because I share the boring day-to-day rituals with some pretty fantastic, clever and funny people. I get to share my life with people who know and accept who I am. I get to share my life with people whom I’m absolutely thrilled to be around. And when those people are gone or leave, trips, eating out or going to the store aren’t that exciting.
At this point, I don’t know if she’ll be gone for a year. I don’t know if she’ll be gone for five years. I don’t know if in ten years we will move to Fiji and sell drinks on the beach. I just know that moving forward, the things I have planned are not certain anymore. I know that I am not in control.
But what I am in control of is how I look at my life. I thought I was presently grateful for the majority of what I have. I am happy in the moments where we are going to the store or making dinner or hanging out at a game. But when she’s gone, when the kids are gone, it’s those moments I have been with them that will matter the most.
I can try to make my life about writing. I can try to pretend that a conference or a meeting is important. I can try to say that I have something special inside of me and I can do more. I can say something will be better somewhere else. But I know my life has been important because of the time and the energy I have put into them. And their lives are important because of what they have put into me.
“It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.”
-The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint–Exupéry
