By Zainab Susi
Original story written on Easter 2013.
Two days ago when I went to my twelve years old daughter’s room to say goodnight to her, she asked me, Mom “I need to ask you something “Can I be with Dad and his wife next weekend”? Her question surprised me. Because she was just with her dad, I asked her “Why, what’s going on?” she said, “Next week is Easter, Mom, and I’d like to be with them.” For a few seconds I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t expecting that from her. I took my time and then I said to her, “It’s getting late and you have to get up early for your school. When you come home tomorrow from school then we’ll talk about this.” It was hard for me because Easter is Christian’s religious day, and Muslim’s do recognize that, but don’t celebrate it. My daughter wanted to celebrate that day.
I made an excuse to her because I didn’t have an answer and I also didn’t know what I was going to say to her when she came home from school. After saying goodnight to her, I went to my bedroom. I sat down on a chair for a while and started thinking. What should I say to her if I say “yes” to her does that mean I am allowing her to celebrate Easter? But how can I say “yes” to her as a Muslim? I told myself, whether I say “yes” or “no” to her; I should have a valid reason. I didn’t have an answer for her question. I was struggling.
I was born in the Islamic country of Pakistan. When I was growing up pretty much everyone had the same beliefs as me. There is only one God but Allah and Prophet Mohammed was his last messenger. Growing up I did know there were more religions, but I didn’t know anything about them. I was taught that the best religion on earth is Islam. I shouldn’t be friends with non-Muslims because their religion is not as strong as Muslims’ beliefs. I honestly believed my religion Islam is the best religion. Growing up I never had doubts about my faith at all. I was pretty young, around 7 or 8, when I started reading The Quran (Holy book) and started learning how to pray five times a day. I started learning every small detail about my religion. I was told I should never ask questions or have any kinds of doubts about my faith/religion. I knew from day one I had to accept it. I don’t remember even thinking about anything negative about my faith. The elders taught me that the only way to go to heaven is to believe The Quran and Allah’s prophets and we should have blind faith. Allah (God) is the only one. He knows everything inside of the human heart. He made the whole universe. And he is the only one who knows about the future of mankind. In comparison to Islam, other religions such as Hinduism, Christianity or Judaism don’t have the same beliefs. After believing all of this, I felt like if I even think about other religious beliefs, I will be committing a sin.
I learned that every Muslim must read the Quran in the Arabic language, which I did. What it says in the Quran I learned from my mom, my grandma and from my surroundings. Islam is not just a religion, it also a full culture. It teaches people how to live according to the religion every single-day, such as how to sit, walk, talk, and how to look at the things.
My mother raised me according to the religion. I learned from early age that good girls should follow Islamic rules and also live according to Islam. I was a good girl. I never got into trouble and never got involved in any kinds of bad habits. Islam was involved in my life every single day. I was so religious that I prayed five times a day, fasted during Ramadan and tried my best to follow all of the pillars of Islam. I don’t remember doing anything or saying anything where I put my mother or my religion down.
I moved to The United States of America when I was eighteen after I got married. I knew America wasn’t a Muslim country. After I moved, then it was up to me how to live according to Islam. It wasn’t easy as it was in Pakistan. But I kept my faith with me. I was proud of myself, until I got divorced three years ago.
I grew up with the mentality that if you live according to Islam, then nothing bad will happen to you. But when I got divorced, I started searching for where I made a mistake, and I didn’t find any answer. My divorce was unexpected. I had never ever thought I would get divorced. For the longest time I was mad at God. So many questions started coming in my mind and started questions about my faith. I found no answers then and I still don’t find. Why me? I was a good girl, I did or lived how I should; why did I have to go through such horrible pain? I didn’t want to become a single mother, but I had no choice. Those kinds of questions came to my mind. And I noticed I was getting farther each day from my religion. I didn’t want to pray anymore. I wasn’t feeling guilty about it. At some point I didn’t believe there was a God. What I had known about God was nothing but fake beliefs.
Six months after my divorce, my husband remarried to a Christian woman. Later he converted to Christianity. He and his wife have strong beliefs. They gave girls religious story books to read and also a Bible. When I had my daughters, my ex-husband and I had the same beliefs. I taught them about Islam and took then to mouseq (Islamic center). They knew they were Muslims. But as soon as they were exposed to Christianity, they started asking question to me about both religions, which made me think about my own beliefs. How is it possible that Islam is the only true religion, but Christianity is the number one religion? There must be some truth in it. Was what I had been taught really true or do I need to find out my own?
“Mom do you believe in Jesus, and why don’t you believe in Jesus?” My daughters had fun reading Christian books and they asked me to take them to the bookstore so they could have more books. When they came to me and asked me questions, it wasn’t easy at all. I still remember we were having dinner and my oldest said to me, “Mom I don’t like going to the mosque anymore but if you want me I will go,” I was shocked. Dealing with all of this wasn’t easy at all. I wasn’t raised like that. It was hard for me but at the same time, I didn’t want to force religion on them the way it was forced on me.
Here I am dealing with my own issues with religion, but as a Muslim mother, I should be teaching them about Islam. No other religion. I noticed I couldn’t teach what I used to believe and I started feeling guilty. I was feeling horrible. I didn’t know what to do. And I still don’t know. But with time I came to the point where I don’t have to find an answer at all. What I did was I took time thought about religion and I found out that my beliefs had been changed and it’s okay, but that doesn’t mean Islam is a bad religion.
After I moved to America, I met many non-Muslims. I used to look at them differently. Because they were non-Muslims, I never allowed myself to know them as a human being and I also never let them know me. I was pretty ignorant and at that time I didn’t know better. That’s what I had learned. But since my divorce happened and this religion issue started between my daughters, part of me wanted to know about other religions. I went to churches myself. And spoke to many people about religion. It took me time to come out from my box and start educating myself about what different people believed.
I still feel a little bit guilty but I have come a long way. After meeting many people from different beliefs, I realized, the whole time I was wrong about them. They are just like me. The only difference is that they have their beliefs. I still don’t know which the right religion is, but I do know I do believe in God and there is a God. I also came to the point where it doesn’t matter who believes what, as long as that person is a good human being. Not too long ago I spoke to my daughters and said “we are going to educate ourselves about different religions. But before that I don’t want us to point out anyone, we must respect other religions and we should take it how it is. Who are we to decide who is right or wrong?”
They agreed with me. We went to Borders bookstore and bought a Quran in English language (so we can understand when we are reading it) and a Bible. I noticed I felt good about myself. I wasn’t feeling guilt as much as before. My decision made my daughters happy. It was hard for me. But I felt that that was the right thing to do. The first day after reading both books, my daughter asked me to stay in her room and chat with her a little bit more. I knew she had something to say. She asked me how much I love her. I said, “a lot” but why are you asking me this question? She gave me a big hug and a kiss and said, “Mom I also love you very much.” I can’t explain and I didn’t know my decisions about learning other religions can bring my daughter closer to me.
Yesterday morning at 7am, I was busy making coffee and at the same time making lunches for my girls. Here comes my younger daughter, into the kitchen and she said, “Good morning mom.” in her pouting voice. I looked at her and said, “Good morning to you too. How are you feeling this morning? She said, “Not so good, I am tired and I wish I can go back to bed and I don’t have to go to school today.” She grabbed her breakfast, sat on a chair, and quietly started eating. Five minutes later my other daughter came into the kitchen and after saying good morning to me, she came close to me and said, “Mom remember we were supposed to talk about if I can spend the weekend with Dad but we didn’t. I guess you decided I can’t go right”? Just by looking at her face and into her voice I could sense the disappointment. I grabbed my coffee mug and sat down at the breakfast table and said to her “Actually no, I have no problem you and your sister spending your weekend with your Dad.” They both looked at me at the same time with surprised faces and then both got up from their chairs and screamed for joy and said “Really Mom, we can thank you so much.” They both had big smiles on their faces and looked very happy. Seeing their happy faces made me happy.
Sometimes I wish there was no religion on this planet, and people would just be good people. Or if religion is that important, then everyone should just worship the same God. No division in books or different ways of reaching to God. It took me a while to understand that we people shouldn’t be afraid of God because he loves us so much. He will never hurt or do anything that is not good for us. Religion is supposed to bring people closer, but the sad thing is that it divides people. When my girls grow up I want them to become a good person first and then religious. And I also wish people would love each other for who they are and not what they believe in, and respect each other’s beliefs and not be judgmental.
