“Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality.” -Dr. Martin Luther King
On a recent trip to Milwaukee, the growing blonde-haired girl, whom I refer to as “Bean” spotted a pair of long red socks with “Bacon” down the side at the Public Market. Aside from reading and making everything she sees on Pinterest, her two loves are soccer and bacon. Purchasing the socks for her made sense.
When we returned home on that Thursday, my husband dropped her off at MSSC Open Pitch (time for the soccer youth to scrimmage during the summer) while I watched my son’s baseball game. She was so excited to wear her sock to practice. Truth be told, I thought the socks would be a hit! For the last three years, all the kids have been in love with bacon and mustaches.
After the baseball game, my son and I returned home to make dinner while my husband went to the last few minutes of Open Pitch to see how the girls were playing without instruction. Nothing appeared out of the ordinary when she came home, but the next morning, my husband told me she had been teased because of her “Bacon” socks the entire time she was at the scrimmage.
While there are usually players of all ages at Open Pitch, my soon-to-be sixth-grade daughter was the youngest one there that night. The players who were just a year or two older than her made her feel small and judged. Being the girl who holds everything inside, she did not break down there. She just played up to her potential, keeping up with others who are physically stronger than she.
Of course, when I heard this, I wanted to call some of their mothers so they could see what their child had done to my child. She immediately lost her desire to go to open pitch the following Saturday because she was scared she would be made fun of again. I didn’t bring it up until we were on a girls’ outing that weekend. She didn’t know I knew about the teasing, so I asked her if that’s why she didn’t want to go.
My daughter erupted into tears, crinkled her chin and said, “Yes.” I told her that she needed to go again. That her dad, who is a MSSC coach, would go with her when she feels up to it. I also offered her a milkshake.
How do I fix this for my little one? How do I make these other children see how they’ve hurt my sweet girl? Do I call their mothers? Do I write the MSSC coaches? Do I buy her new socks?
I quickly realized that none of these avenues will fix her hurt. I just decided to comfort her as her little heart repairs. I’m pretty sure she won’t wear those “Bacon” socks anymore. And I’m pretty sure that she won’t trust those older players, either.
I don’t believe my daughter was “bullied” or anything like that. I know how kids are. I was a kid. My kids are kids. I believe on many levels many of us try to raise our kids to be respectful and careful of other’s feelings. We have Character Counts programs and Dawg Gone Good Awards. We are talking to children about sharing and giving at a very young age.
But as I have played my “mommy” feelings about this situation over and over in my head, I’ve realized a couple different things.
Since before I was in junior high, our culture has been a “coolness” society. Whether the one we admire is on TV or the most popular girl in school, we all want to follow the trendsetters. And a few of us get “lucky” enough to be the trendsetter.
We all want to be on top. And for kids, that happens when you get to be a seventh or eighth-grade student. Then again when you’re a junior or senior in high school. You’re finally on top, and you can taste all those small elementary students below you. You’re the one who will “rule the school” and get to set up what is deemed as “cool” and “uncool.”
I remember being that kid in junior high. I was the one who didn’t have the clothes, the smarts, the life everyone else had. I never felt like I truly fit into anything, including my family, so I tried to make other people feel small just to pump up my ego.
What is it about making someone else feel small that makes us feel so big? It’s an artificial “big” though. For that moment you feel like you dominate someone. Every time I used my age, my athletic ability or my words with the intent to make someone else feel small, I ended up alienating myself even more.
In my lifetime, I have seen more damage done by juvenile comments than anything else. Those types of comments make people feel like they don’t belong in a world where we all have a role.
I was brought back to my childhood in that “mommy” moment. I not only felt for my daughter, but I empathized with those kids who made fun of her. I believe some of them knew better. I knew better. But still, I did the same things.
By no measure am I condoning their actions. But I have thought a lot about the root of the problem, rather than going on a rage to soothe my daughter’s worries.
And whether we realize it or not, our opinions carry into our home environment where our children pick up our behavior and make it their own.
We tell our children that their character counts; that they need to pay attention to how they treat other people while we are more polite and less direct about how we present our opinions about another person’s choices or lifestyle. We are more polite about it. We stare out of the corner of our eye. Sometimes we snap a shot with our smartphones. We make quiet whispers into the ear next to us. Or call our best friend quickly.
We tell them words will hurt other people while we gossip at the dinner table, badmouth their teacher, or give our opinion about another class, race, age, religion, culture, gender or sexual orientation.
And let’s face it. We all still shuffle around to own the latest and greatest. It makes us feel like we’re the latest and greatest.
In my very sarcastic tone, I do it too. So how can I not expect for my children to pick up on that?
By no means am I saying we should create doormats who are without opinions or moral structure. I’m not saying everything goes. And I’m not saying we should not voice our opinions. Thoughtful and safe conversation about what we think about ideas is completely different than what we think about someone else.
I am saying, though, that maybe instead of making our voices heard through sharing our opinion about another’s choices all the time, we should focus on bringing out the best in each other. As an adult, these are the people I admire most.
The girl I was lived a life of insecurity and disorientation. I was not capable of seeing or bringing out the best in someone else because I did not know who I was or what I had to offer. And as an adult, I find when I am very insecure, I start to pick apart other people, too.
But I have seen humble people, people who find comfort in their strength and weaknesses, who are just doing their best to find their way through this big world, share hope and belonging with others because they are willing to freely rejoice in the innate goodness which lies within others.
They don’t walk around disgusted by the world around them, but instead believe there is joy and purpose in each connection. These people are not doormats, either. They know what healthy relationships and experiences look like, and are very in tune with those characteristics.
These people are the actual “cool” people in this world. Whether their action comes from a place of wholeheartedness or is learned, these individuals focus on bringing out another person’s value to show them how they belong in their big world where people feel so alone.
Yes, compliments like “Your dress is pretty,” or “Nice pass,” are great. But I call these types of compliments surface boosters because they change with the seasons of life. They are things people have to do or wear to be accepted. That’s not real acceptance.
Real acceptance comes when we tear away all of our layers of status and open our arms to embrace another exactly where they are in their journey.
Two years ago, those same children who teased my daughter about her socks wore mustaches shirts and stickers on their faces. When you get to be in the eighth grade, you’re beyond those childish measures. But my sixth grader is still in her imaginative, creative world. And quite frankly, I believe she always will be. That’s who she has always been.
Meeting people where they are is higher level thinking, and maybe it’s too much for the kids. This whole experience has made me think about the way I want to teach my children to interact with others. I want them to hold doors, give compliments and I don’t want them to tease others. I believe these actions are important.
But I also want to teach them to see people. I want them to see the woman sitting next to a building on a hot day, and know that she has a story they may not expect. And I want them to look at the mother who lives in Thornewood, and know she has a story they may not expect. I want to teach them to see value in others. I want them to see that all of our individual values can be put together to create something magical.
But first they have to let their “coolness” or “my opinion is right” guard down. And for my kids to have a chance to grasp this concept at a young age, that change has to be rooted in the way I go about the way I talk about or see others both in front of them and when they are not present.
