Dear J,
On the eve of your sixteenth birthday, I imagine that you are feeling what so many soon-to-be sixteen-year old kids feel: an excitement of upcoming freedom.
I was thinking about what turning sixteen meant for me, and while it is different, I’m sure, it is probably also similar to what sixteen may mean for you. You’re ready to get behind the wheel without my constant reminders of “think about this” and “look at that” or “STOP!”. You’re ready to drive to the movie by yourself or meet up at the mall with a friend.
I remember being so excited that I could drive myself to school instead of riding the bus. And I was excited that I could speed, too. I’m not going to lie. But please, for the love of God, go the speed limit.
What I quickly learned, though, is that freedom also brings on a whole lot of responsibility. For example, a car takes gas, and you need insurance and when you go out with your friends you have to have money, too. Then that freedom that you so desperately wanted turns into something more like going to school and going to work.
I’m not trying to take the excitement out of your moment (I’m really not), but I have something important to tell you: being an adult isn’t full of eating ice cream for dinner and going to concerts whenever you want to. Instead, being an adult is for real hard work that is made much easier when you have a clear picture of who you are and what you want from your time on this Earth. Freedom is more than an age, a license, a diploma, a job, a house or becoming a parent.
Twenty-one years removed from being sixteen, let me tell you what I didn’t know then that I do know now. I, too, was thinking about where I was going to go to college and what I was going to be when I was an adult. That’s all we are taught to think about. What do you want to be when you grow up? But that just means what job do you want when you grow up?
So you go to college and study something you think you want to do, and many times you leave college in debt and do something different. I now know that my life is more than what I have studied and how I’ve made money.
In some aspects, my life is a mess. When I wake up in the morning, there are days when I know what I’ve built is not at all what I actually wanted. Parts of me wanted to play basketball, but I knew that wouldn’t last forever. The other parts of me wanted to live in the woods, have a small pond, drive a really old truck, have friends and family over often, I wanted to teach you about music and books and stay up into the late hours of the night talking about trees, the Cubs and God. I think I wanted to write books.
But the decisions that I’ve made (although I know I was trying to make the best decisions I could at the time) have led to a life that is the opposite of what I actually wanted. By no means do I feel regret or like I would go back and do anything differently. Please don’t misunderstand what I am trying to tell you.
But as your mom, I want to help you see things differently than I did. I want you to know that you have the talent to have many different careers during your lifetime. And statistically, you probably will have a few different careers. But I’m not going to support you for the rest of your life, so you have to get a job. I’m not saying that’s not important.
There are other things that are you need to think about, too. Do you want to be in debt? Do you want to live with other people? Do you want to be lonely? Do you want to pray every morning? Do you want to read on Sunday afternoons? Do you want to laugh a lot? Do you want to walk in the woods? Or do you want to watch a lot of movies? What do you define as success?
What you want will change over time; just as you will change over time. But when you are intentional about your life, when you look at what you are doing and how it will affect your routine, your surroundings and eventually your being, you will find that freedom you are looking for.
And that’s what I want for each of you. I don’t want you to be tied up in everything you are supposed to want. I don’t want to see you tied up in what you are supposed to think or do. I want you to be authentic and real about what works for you.
I’ve had 5840 days with you. It makes my heart ache when I realize you’re only going to be here in this capacity for another 700ish days. Sometimes I wish we could go back to the days when I was in college and you were a toddler watching Elmo. Sometimes I wish I could have given you the life I envisioned for us way before I even knew you would come.
I did do one thing right, though. You and I are really close. I can’t tell you how much I wanted that. And I know that no matter what happens as you grow up, this is a bond that will carry both of us through all the things that happen as you become an adult. I can give you advice, but that’s really the best gift I can give you.
Happy Birthday, J.
Love, Mom
